Moving beyond disappointment

I get excited about going on holiday, I love the planning and the hoping that comes with a holiday. I know how important time off from work is. I enjoy the break, the time to relax and for me the chance to be outside regularly plus a stack of books is certainly a happy combination. I had a week away planned, in one of those special places that we all have. That's where I would have been this week. Instead I'm at home for the week. The current lockdown in Auckland due to COVID-19 means it's a holiday at home. I'm really looking forward to the week and rather excited about some of the things I'll be getting up to. 

While I'm an optimistic bunny most of the time, that's not how I felt a couple of weeks ago when the reality of not having my week away that I was so looking forward first surfaced. It was cutting it fine, hoping for a week away, so close to when the call was to be made on the lockdown level. I'll be honest, when the words first floated - a whole two weeks before the actual holiday, I fell into a little pit. 

I was grumpy, sad, bitter, mad, pissed and angry, there was a lot of 'not this as well' going on in my head. The emotion I was dealing with was disappointment. So how did I move from that disappointment to where I am now?  How did I create the energy about the thought of my holiday as it got closer, excitement about the week and the feelings that are so much more upbeat and joyful. Kind of the opposite of sad, angry and grumpy. 

Image from Liz and Mollie and their book No Hard Feelings - Emotions at work and how they make us succeed. 

COVID-19 has hit us all with disappointments beyond measure, for some, far more than not having a week by the beach when you'd planned it. There are missed moments that can't be regained. There are families apart at important times. We are all holding these emotions whether we realise it or not and still being at work. We are holding the disappointment, anger, frustration of what is going on and we are working with people and/or leading a team of people also holding those emotions. The days of 'leave the emotion out of it' are over. Learning how to deal with emotions such as disappointment is one of the ways we can build our personal resilience and build our strength as people leaders. Knowing ourselves is the first step for any leader and yep, that includes your emotions. 

What is disappointment then? Disappointment sits within the broader range of feelings of sadness along with, to name a few - grief, sorrow, hopelessness, despair and discouragement. Brené Brown defines it like this 

'Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment'. 

Looking at disappointment comes in part in Rising Strong, and if you feel like you are flat on the floor right now, this is a great book to read for perspective and guidance. 

Recognising the disappointment was the first step. Knowing our emotions is key. In this great TED talk from Guy Winch [Why we all need to practice emotional first aid] he says 'you can’t deal with an emotional wound if you don’t know you’ve got it.' Emotional awareness is one part of EQ a skill that for leaders will be the skill that moves us through these turbulent times. People high in EQ are better able to cooperate, manage conflict, and make thoughtful decisions. Having emotional literacy is the start of building that awareness. From sad, mad and glad to the huge number of emotions we can experience. 

From the Positivity Blog: 
"When you get disappointed then it can hurt. Sometimes a bit. Sometimes a lot. It can drag you down into a negative funk for days or even weeks. But if you learn how to deal with that disappointment in a healthier and more helpful way then it can be a lot less scary and painful and actually a springboard or learning experience for further personal growth."

Second up for me is knowing that you can work through it. Whether that is about hope or a growth mindset, or a bit of both. I recall talking to someone about not likely having my week away, and I said 'I'm not OK with that yet". I didn't try and suppress or hide the emotion but I did know that I would work it through. Knowing and owning the disappointment while at the same time knowing I could reframe it eventually was a position that meant I knew I had choices. The power of yet, is an incredible force that you can use in many situations. Knowing about it, being intentional about it means it's now pretty automatic for me to go to that space of not getting this 'yet'. 

Next up was letting it out in the right place. One of the proven ways to deal with disappointment as shared in this post from BetterUp, is to let it out. I have a regular therapy session, and that week I was able to let out all that disappointment, the hopes I had, the sadness for the loss of what was going to be a special week. You may not have a therapist, you might have a friend in your square squad, you might journal and write it all down. What is clear is that suppressing the disappointment hinder your own growth and it kind of festers. 

I also gave myself the time to work it through. It wasn't one day, or one session. I allowed the feeling to be there while I did this processing of it. I then reviewed my expectations and worked within the framework I had. With time the opportunities and possibilities for what would be a great week at home started to fill my head. I'm working on turning the garden into a campsite and sleeping in the tent. I'll be eating and being outside as much as I can, totally grateful for the garden space I have. I'm making sure there is great food and of course, I still have that stack of books. The boost of knowing I can go to the beach was an added bonus that I was prepared to not be given. 

So in there was gratitude, perspective, managing expectations, knowing what brings me joy and shifting to thinking about this as an opportunity rather than a set back. This article, a discussion of disappointment creates some of these themes and actions as a really clear list. 

There are lists all over the internet for the steps to deal with disappointment from 5 steps, to 12 and all other numbers. Here are mine for you:

1 - Recognise it, be curious about it and know that you can work through it and give yourself time and permission to feel the feelings. 
2 - Let it out, talk, journal whatever works for you. It's OK to not be OK. 
3 - Reframe it, get perspective, set expectations, take a step back, what is there to learn and what is realistic and joyful for you right now. 

Our emotional capabilities and our ability to acknowledge and support others in their emotions is paramount right now. COVID-19 is one known element that presents us with disappointment frustration. The future is unknown and the unexpected left field thing could pop up for you, your team, the country at any moment. Now is the time to build those emotional skills and muscles for us all to be able to work through whatever we are facing.